your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
