Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize