The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
