I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
whose parrot is this?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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