I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I love having hate sex.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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