You smell like stripper and shame
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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