can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
