The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So much Jack, so little girl.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
