found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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