Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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