she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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