can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize