porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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