i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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