This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
