Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
