btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
