I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
