He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
