if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
