Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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