Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
