Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
