i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
