The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize