I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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