and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
