Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
