I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
