I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
