Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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