Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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