If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize