In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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