Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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