Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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