I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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