just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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