I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
