My nipple is on Facebook.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
These tits shall not be calmed
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
