I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
