Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
