and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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