Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
