I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
