the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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