my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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