When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
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