I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
