I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize