I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
