Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
