I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
