Sober January is a disaster.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
