Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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