I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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