Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
