News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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