Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
